I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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