wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
