Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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