nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
try to milk me bitch
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
