i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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