i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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