I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
