it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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