when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
