who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
