after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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