I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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