I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
