There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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