all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
