That's when you crack a 10am beer
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
