Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just had sex bonerless
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
