And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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