I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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