If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
