I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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