Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
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this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
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I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.