I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.