just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
