Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
