This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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