Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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