i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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