Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
