oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
