If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
