Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
