OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
