i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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