I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
