I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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