i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
