Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
