so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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