She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
