I hate your face
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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