Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize