The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
