i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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