Im at strip club and am horny
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
