I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
