LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
