nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
