Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Quick, to the slutcave!
this boner is exhausting
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
