me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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