Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
