How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
