Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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