Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
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i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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