hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
