Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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