I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
