Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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