my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
this is an emotional support booty call
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