I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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