Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
