Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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