I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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